


Three A.M.

by exocholic



Series: Three A.M. [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2019-05-27 00:17:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15012542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exocholic/pseuds/exocholic
Summary: He holds his left wrist, a fingernail absentmindedly scratching just above his pulsing vein, mimicking the act of what he desires to do.Lonely, he feels. Hopeless, he thinks. Burden, he believes.





	Three A.M.

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted at [AFF](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1008402/2/three-a-m-exo-baekyeol-chanbaek-hurtandcomfort)

The dark sky brightens every few seconds, from faint light to many flickering bright flashes. The chilly cold air breezes through, fluttering the trees amidst the stillness of the silent night. It is a little past two o’clock in the early morning. The long hand ticks while the shorthand waits for it to clock to three.

 

Standing on the balcony of his room, Baekhyun watches the sky. His tears continuously stream down, as if making up for the absence of rain. For every rumble of thunder the sky roars, his mind grows chaotic. For every strike of bright lightning, his already broken heart cracks more.

 

 _Lonely_ , he feels.  _Hopeless_ , he thinks.  _Burden_ , he believes.

 

In the stillness of his surroundings, Baekhyun’s hands tremble. He holds his left wrist, a fingernail absentmindedly scratching just above his pulsing vein, mimicking the act of what he desires to do. He imagines the feeling of a sharp object cutting through, hoping to end the heavy weight of his heart and to carry off the big weights on his shoulders.

 

 _If only his nails were sharp enough. If only he wasn’t such a coward_.

 

The desire to end everything, the will to face death, the hope of relief – encases him whole. But  _fear_  overpowers all, as it always had. And he continues to hold onto the thinning string of hope.

 

As he looks at the edge of the balcony, placed neatly on top of its railing, a sharp silver razor blade shines at every strike of bright light.

 

Baekhyun is tempted to reach out, hold it, and do what he has been wanting to for the past months. And he does, after looking at the pale color of his wrist, veins invisible in the darkness. But he huffs out a laugh, bitter amidst the smile on his lips. For even when he has held it, just a few inches above, a little lower more and it’ll be touching his skin – he doesn’t do anything but still, as fear envelops him entirely.

 

_The thought of taking responsibility for what he is about to do, swirling in his mind and adding more weight to his already heavy heart._

 

It takes him another long minute before he places the sharp edge just above his pulsing vein, feeling the stinging coldness of its shiny metal. And it feels good, the adrenaline he felt spark up his left arm to have its icy sharpness touch against his warm skin.

 

_The thought that in just one slash, putting that needed force – his misery would finally end._

 

But alas, nothing happens. He is a coward, after all. Instead of pushing through what he longs to do, he pulls away. The sharp object is placed back onto the balcony’s railing, shining in all its glory for the tempting  _peace_  it may grant him.

And he stands still there, once again. Tears continuing its flow down his face as his mind swirl in many possibilities, questions,  _what ifs._

 

_Will people care? Will people cry for him? Who will mourn? Who would not?_

_If he survives, who will visit him? Who are these people willing to drop everything just to see him? Or should it only be one.. or would it even be_ none _._

 

 

 

Before anything else can happen, something catches his eye in his peripheral vision. In the middle of the darkness of his room, on his bed, his phone lights up. And hope flickers within him in an instant, a hint of joy trailing behind.

 

_A message? From someone?_

 

Wiping away his tears that continue to flow non-stop, Baekhyun gets distracted, momentarily forgetting his deathly wish. But as he checks his phone, his heart coils in pain as the hope is gone just as fast it appeared.

 

It wasn’t a message. It was his phone merely signaling its low on battery.

 

_How stupid can he be? To think that someone cares and would even send a message at this time of hour, too. Idiot._

 

 

 

 

 

 

The skies remain lighted every once in a while, rumbles of thunder resounding in the tune of the bright strikes. The curtains that decorate the sides of the balcony entrance flows as the winds pass; gentle and soft in contrast to the brewing storm. It is two thirty in the early morning. The long hand ticks while the shorthand waits for it to clock to three.

 

By the bed, Baekhyun lies wide awake and still. For the last half hour that passed, all he has done was stare at the gleaming silver atop the balcony railing. His mind reeling with probable scenarios if he does, indeed, goes through his deathly desire.

 

In his imagination, his pathetic delusion, people will cry at his deathbed. They will regret ignoring him, brushing off his signs of depression and silent ask for help. His family will mourn, his friends will weep. Finally, he will get the attention he had always longed for, only,  _it is all too late_.

In his imagination, his pathetic fantasy, people will cry at the beeping sound of his heart monitor. Thanking the heavens that he survived, yet also encased in regret for not realizing how vulnerable he had actually been,  _he had always been_. Finally, he will get the attention he had always longed for, and  _it is not too late_.

 

But as insecurity hits him, self-esteem of zero to negative, his hopeful fantasy turns dark.

In his imagination, the pathetic reality he believes in, people will only cry at his deathbed. They will weep, mourn, move on, and then forget. That Byun Baekhyun was once was, nothing more.

 

 _Would it not be better.. to subtract one burden from the people around him?_  
_No one wants a sad kid. No one wants to be surrounded by negativity. And that is all he could give, the unwanted pessimistic mindset he has developed._

 

 _Lonely_ , he feels.  _Hopeless_ , he thinks.  _Burden_ , he believes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, Baekhyun sits up from his bed. He takes a notebook under his pillow, meaning to write on his journal, his diary. Perhaps, he would vent out the overwhelming emotions within him, or maybe write down his final goodbye.

 

But everything takes an immediate turn, after he opens his journal to a random page, a small piece of paper sticking out in between. On it is a little message written in blank ink and scrawny handwriting:

 

 

_‘You have a very beautiful smile. Keep it, never let it disappear._

_You never know whose day it can brighten.._

_like it had always mine.’_

_\- Chanyeol_

 

 

Teardrops stain the blank page of the open notebook, staining with it the little piece of paper. This time, Baekhyun sobs loudly. He tries to muffle the sounds with his hand but fails for his heart coils in a clash of pain..  _and joy_. His mind completely stirred away from his dangerous thoughts.

 

Baekhyun takes hold of his phone, and a smile pulls its way onto his lips, faint yet genuine, at the wallpaper that greets him.

Chanyeol once took his phone to take a picture of them both, changed his background without his permission, and demanded to never change it to something else.

It was a candid photo, taken as Chanyeol looked towards him lovingly while he looked towards the camera. His crescent eye smile with that speck of sparkle and a matching big wide grin the lens caught on perfectly.

 

Out on a whim, Baekhyun dials his number. And he waits, looking out his balcony and watched as the trees swayed with the wind, flashes of bright lightning continuing its show. He listens to the ringing in his ear mixing in with the rumbles of thunder. Finally, after what felt like forever and a million rings, a raspy voice greets on the other line.

 

 _Umf, yes..?_  The voice groans, an apparent sign that he was woken up from slumber.

 

Baekhyun stays silent, for he is not able to form any words as the mere sound of the deep voice instantly comforts him.

 

_Baekhyun?_

 

His tears fall again, not of sadness but of relief. And his cry, despite restraining himself from sobbing loudly, is heard by the person on the other line.

 

_Baekhyun?_

The voice says, now obviously more awake than just a minute ago.

_What’s wrong? Are you okay?_

 

And like a breeze that passed through the icy chill of the night, Baekhyun is enveloped in warmth. The obvious care that cannot be mistaken through the other’s voice, despite only heard through the low volume of his phone, is enough.

 

_Hey, talk to me, what’s wrong?_

 

“Chanyeol..” Baekhyun rather stutters out in between his cries. “Nothing just..  _nothing_.”

 

_You are crying, why?_

 

An answer is not given right away. Silence envelops them as Chanyeol waits patiently on the other line; not saying a word and only his breathing is heard. Baekhyun lets a long moment pass before he whispers in an audibly broken voice.

“ _Lonely_..”

 

Unfortunately, the line is cut-off within a minute, the phone’s low battery finally emptying. And the last Baekhyun heard from Chanyeol makes him clench his chest with a hand. He sways his body as he sobs, the overwhelming sadness taking a toll on his weak mind.

 

_I am here. I am always here._

 

 

 

 

 

 

The skies are still lighted by strikes of lightning. The sound of thunder continues its roar. Light rain has finally begun pouring down, the winds whisking droplets inside Baekhyun’s room from his still open balcony. It is almost three in the early morning. The long hand ticks while the shorthand is minutes away from clocking to a new hour.

 

Lying once again on his bed, Baekhyun lays listless still wide awake. In his hand, he clutches tight Chanyeol’s small note, while the other barely holds his phone. He doesn’t bother charging it, doesn’t bother moving at all. Hearing Chanyeol’s voice, after reading his small little note, was enough to alleviate the pain in his heart. Enough to release the heavyweight he had felt not too long ago.  _Enough to strengthen the hope that was slowly diminishing_.

 

But a ruckus just outside his balcony makes Baekhyun sit up in alarm. A different kind of fear encasing him as he hears scratches, snapping of branches, and audible grunts getting louder by the minute. And his heart pounds in what felt like a million beats per second as a dark figure finds its way up and over his balcony.

 

For the nth time that night, Baekhyun cries. However, it is no longer due to misery, but relief and happiness. Because the figure that made itself known in the dark of the night was  _Chanyeol_.

 

Dropping his phone but still holding tight onto the small note, Baekhyun rushes into Chanyeol’s arms, unbelieving of his presence that seemed very surreal at the moment. He cries onto the other’s chest, releasing all the heartache he felt in his loud sobs and tight embrace. And despite the man’s barely wet clothes, he is instantly warmed and comforted by the arms that hold him just as equally tight.

 

No words were ever said. Even when Chanyeol have moved both of them to lie on the bed, all remains silent except Baekhyun’s cries that die down every passing beat. Not once has Chanyeol let go, enveloping Baekhyun in his loving embrace. Not even when he has fallen asleep, finally giving in to the tiring hour he dealt with alone and in pain. And neither has Baekhyun let go. Holding tight onto Chanyeol’s body like his life depended on him,  _it did_. Holding tight onto the small piece of paper that gave him that tiniest bit of hope enough to stir away what once was a deathly wish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lightning strikes and thunder follows. Rain pours light and heavy in alternate. The balcony doors are closed and the curtains that decorate its sides are now still. The chaos outside is now mere unimportant sounds that unfazed the tranquility that has finally taken over inside. A silver object shines forgotten atop the balcony railings.

 

It is three in the early morning. The long hand ticks while the shorthand waits for another long hour to clock pass.

 

In his reality, what he thought was pathetic delusion,  _someone cares_.

In his dreams, what felt surreal yet very real,  _someone is willing to drop everything just for him_.

 

_Death was once an option, but for as long as Chanyeol is by his side, for as long as he knows there is someone who cares and loves him, then it is not._

 

 

 

 

 

 

♠♠♠

 

 

 

 

When late sunrise comes just a few hours later, Baekhyun wakes up still cooped up in a warm embrace. He is greeted with a warm smile as he looked at the person responsible for the warmth. And he, too, smiles in response. Giggles then escape his lips when words are whispered to him as a sweet good morning.

 

 _“I love you,”_  is all Chanyeol says.

 

And these three words are enough, far too much, in fact, to have Baekhyun’s misery completely wiped out from within him.

 

 

 

 

Later on in the day, when Chanyeol makes his leave after an unexpected visit, giving Baekhyun nothing but sweet kisses and simple, yet enough to speak volumes, words of love – he throws away the shiny object he had not missed when he arrived. And Baekhyun doesn’t even notice, doesn’t even remember he once held tightly onto it. He also leaves another note, hiding it in between the pages of Baekhyun’s journal, for he had long been aware of his lover’s depressive state. And he knew that these simple words can already mean a lot.

 

 

_You are never alone. I am always with you._

_\- Chanyeol_

  


**Author's Note:**

> ► Suffering from depression the past few years have taught me so many things I once overlooked or took for granted. When you are enveloped by great misery, nothing else is in your mind but everything that is negative. You are brought in to a world of darkness that makes you believe there is no one else but yourself. That no matter how many times you are convinced, told positive things, surrounded by happiness, for as long as you are locked in that dark world, at the end of the day, there is no light.
> 
> ► This story is loosely based from personal experience and a point of view.
> 
> \- I have always received comments about my smile. It’s flattering and heartwarming to receive praise on something you believe is nothing but a minimal meaningless act as well as a mask to hide what’s within. If you have read my other stories, smiles are always portrayed as a vital detail. It is a reflection of what I have learned: that no matter how small, faint, big and bright, whether it is used as a mask or genuine – it will always, somehow, affect someone positively.
> 
> \- There was a time when I was swallowed by great depression and cut-off myself from everyone due to it. Many months passed with not a single word from anyone and my depressed state led me to believe no one cared. However, on one unexpected day, a friend of mine, who never had time to even go out due to her busy schedule, came for a visit. That’s when I learned that what I believed for months was completely wrong, because everyone whom I thought did not care, were all in fact, very worried.
> 
> ► It’s been awhile since I wrote this, and I thought of posting it after but decided against it because of the topic’s sensitivity as well as how personal it is written. But I thought of sharing my story, written with characters that I hold dear, and in a community where I have met wonderful people and ignited a talent I used to believe I was incredibly horrible at; to hopefully send a message to those who suffer the same thing. Maybe I failed, hopefully I did not.
> 
> ► This was written on one of those days I suffered from a breakdown, and nothing else was in my mind but how shitty I am and everything I am entirely and how my life was all over the place. There was a storm then. I had written this outside my house, at the same time written here, where lightning struck every few seconds as described.
> 
>     
> 
> ♠♠♠
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> If there are any of you, who have read this and are suffering the same things I do, do know that someone cares, I do. I may not know any of you, but I do know what it is like to hold onto nothing but a slowly fading hope. And if you see life as nothing but a mess and a future bleak, please, just hang on, don’t give up. I almost did, but hey, look at where I am now. I am still in the process of piecing my life back together, but over the time that I thought was the darkest moments of my life, I have met amazing people, given a chance to understand life far better and deeper, even granted this skill to write what were once nothing but mere fantasy. After all, I wouldn’t be here, a part of this community, a fan of these wonderful boys, if I never went through that dark phase in my life.
> 
>  
> 
> The light is there, always there. Like how the sun never disappears, just hides behind clouds and a dark night.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ‘When the heart speaks, emotions are let loose.’
> 
> ♥ exocholic


End file.
